sadly, i cannot take credit for this masterpiece.  i found it on a facebook group called “you know you’re in college when…”.  the student wrote it to get into NYU and was accepted.  i would like to be this kids friend.  enjoy:

 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

alright, so imagine a group of cheerleaders.  they’re all pretty good looking, and interesting, and you’d like to remember all of their names and faces so you can talk to them later.  you’re sitting there, watching their practice and it turns out it’s team photo day.  for the team photo, they decide to get into a human pyrimid because thats just what cheerleading teams do.  i suppose.  anyway, its this huge ordeal over who should go where and how they should be arranged.  hair’s accidently being pulled on the way up the pyrimid, and arms on the bottom level are ready to give out from the weight.  everyone is holding their breath, just hoping they can all stay together long enough for the shutter to capture the shot.  the photographer says, “everybody say cheese!” and the chaos of climbing and organizing freezes, all in harmony.  flash, click.  the picture came out great.  its just what they wanted.  every cheerleader is smiling, everyone is in place.  its flawless.  then, in an avalanche of hairspray, pom-poms, and perfectly lip glossed smiles, the entire assembly comes crashing and tumbling down.  the gym floor is in disarray as over a dozen cheerleaders sprawl and exclaim as they hit the wood.

this is how my final exams have been going.  i cram and cram in a futile attempt to stuff a semesters worth of knowledge and facts into my overloaded skull.  i build and stack my wealth of information until i dont think i can take anymore.  then my exam comes.  i grin and bear my way through it.  i try to perfectly get those photographic memories out and onto paper.  and then the collapse.  i turn in my exam and step out of the door…..where did all those facts go?  tumbling and sprawling out of my head, just to make room for the next tests information.

i think i got an ‘a’, i just wish i could remember what the test was on….

so i have a mohawk now.  just thought all my readers should know.  its pretty awesome.  i was sitting at my house and said, ‘you know what, room mates?  i need a hair cut.’ and they said, ‘why not a mohawk?’  and i said ‘yes, yes, y-e-s’.  the rest is haircut history.  it rattles the square community.  my only regret is how cold my head gets in the quickly dropping temperature.  and it snowed today, which means skiing is right around the corner.  score!  and in case youre wondering, i’ll cut off the ‘hawk before i see my grandma for thanksgiving.  i couldnt do that to her.

Let me preface this post by saying one thing:  I love the freedom of living off campus and I love my roommates.  Now that that’s said, let me rant.

 I signed the lease on our house.  Um, if thats at all possibly avoidable in your (the readers) room mate career, avoid it.  the responsibility to keep the house in order is overwhelming.  I have become a pathetic excuse for a father/authority figure.

     “Dave, uh, do you think you could, by chance, clean those dishes you made?” 

     ”Nah, dude, I have too much homework to do.”

it might be my fault.  i care too much.  i enjoy cleanliness.  what a character flaw i posses, taking pleasure in sanitary living quarters.  dirty flatware in the sink isnt so bad, i suppose.  a mountain of bacteria filled, crusted over, hodgepodged, stinky, molding dishes is another thing.  when your nose can detect six different meals with one sniff, you should know somethings wrong.

     “If you want it clean, why dont you just clean it?”

yeah, dave, okay.  which brings me to my residents life point.  living at the dorms for your first year of western is somewhat of a godsend.  living on campus equals a meal plan.  this means your paying the good people at keating to clean up after your sloppy room mates rather than dealing with their messy eating habits every meal of the week.  sure, you might not have the total freedom you would if you lived with your buddies in an apartment or rental unit, but think about the perks.  never worrying and stressing about a bill being past due?  that adds years to ones life.  dreading the slowly approching drop in temperature and rise in heating bills?  fixing broken appliances and buying groceries and furnishings?  the dorms eliminate all of those problems.

dont get my previous statements twisted.  i absolutly love living off campus, and wouldnt go back.  but for a student fresh from the nest out on their own for the first time, the residence life at western is a great offering.  the living quarters are nice sized, there are tons of new people to meet, and there isnt so much to worry about finacially.  id write some more about all of this, but there are some dishes pilled up that im sure my room mates arent going to take care of.

Yup, so this is my first post on WSC’s blog page.  I’m gonna keep it short, and use it as an opportunity to make myself a starting point for further posts.  This semester has been going pretty well for me, lots of hard work but alot of fun as well.  My job at the TuneUp has me working alot of hours, and I’m taking a math class for the first time in four years.  The colors just started changing on the trees, and it looks pretty cool.  My friends and I spent Saturday up in the woods taking pictures.  Thats all the jumbled thoughts I have for now.